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June 2005
 
 
 
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Sun, Jun. 12th, 2005 10:56 am
sitting here, i cannot remember what it was, and i keep admitting this to myself over and over again until i no longer retain its meaning. i can remember only this reoccurring dream that used to plague me every night. the funny thing is that when i refocus i realize that that dream was not a dream by any means and that it happened years ago -- it only seems like hours have passed. this is not a poem. this is not some adolescent, rhetorical appeal for your attention. i don't know what this is and i don't know who you are. perhaps what i am writing is just my understanding, another ten seconds too late.

this morning, when i think about what i know, i'll have a hate that lingers for days. i think there was a formula that i could never seem to solve or some cryptic math equation adding up to a smile, and if only i could have figured it out, i could have made you happy. the curious thing is this: when i think about the past, i can't even remember your face. and this morning: the sight of your hands makes me tremble. i barely remember your name.

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Mon, May. 23rd, 2005 02:09 pm
Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results
Sociability ||||||||||||||||||||| 67%
Aggressiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 89%
Assertiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 68%
Activity Level |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 89%
Excitement-Seeking ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Enthusiasm |||||||||||||||||| 51%
Extroversion |||||||||||||||||||||||| 71%
Trust |||||||||||| 32%
Morality |||||||||||| 31%
Altruism |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Cooperation |||||||||||| 40%
Modesty ||| 2%
Sympathy |||||||||||| 39%
Friendliness |||||||||||| 39%
Confidence ||| 1%
Neatness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 76%
Dutifulness |||||||||||||||||| 56%
Achievement |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Self-Discipline |||||||||||||||||| 58%
Cautiousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 55%
Anxiety |||||||||||||||||||||||| 75%
Volatility |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Depression ||||||||||||||| 49%
Self-Consciousness ||||||||||||||| 45%
Impulsiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 76%
Vulnerability ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 92%
Emotional Stability ||||||||| 30%
Imagination |||||||||||||||||||||||| 79%
Artistic Interests ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 95%
Introspection ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 95%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 87%
Intellect ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 92%
Liberalism ||||||||||||||||||||| 69%
Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Trait . low score high score
Sociability 67% socially reserved, detached friendly, open
Aggressiveness 89% mild mannered, uncompetitive predatory, domineering
Assertiveness 68% introverted, loner controlling, aggressive
Activity Level 89% relaxed, laid back vigorous, high energy
Excitement-Seeking 62% sedate, restrained adventurous, wild
Enthusiasm 51% somber, pessimistic cheerful, optimistic
Trust 32% suspicious of others trusting of others
Submissiveness 31% rebellious, lawless dutiful, obedient, compliant
Altruism 90% selfish, cold, austere helpful, selfless, indulgent
Cooperation 40% argumentitive, confrontational conflict averse, meek
Modesty 2% arrogant, self-satisfied humble, unassuming, doormat
Sympathy 39% callous, heartless empathetic, warm
Confidence 1% not confident in work confident in work, egoistic
Neatness 76% disorganized, messy planner, clean, anal
Dutifulness 56% dishonest, derelict honest, rule abiding, proper
Achievement 78% lazy, unmotivated driven, goal oriented
Self-Discipline 58% procrastinator responsible, efficient
Cautiousness 62% spontaneous, daring, reckless careful, controlled, safe
Anxiety 75% relaxed, fearless fearful, worrier
Volatility 86% calm, cool touchy, tempermental
Depression 49% content, balanced emotional, self hating
Self-Consciousness 45% confident, assured low self esteem, shy
Impulsiveness 76% high self control low self control
Vulnerability 92% resilient, unphased confused, helpless
Imagination 79% practical, realistic dreamer, unrealistic
Artistic Interests 95% artistic indifference art, nature, beauty lover
Introspection 95% not self reflective self searching
Adventurousness 87% conventional, safe spontaneous, bold
Intellect 92% instinctive, non-analytical intellectual, analytical
Liberalism 69% conservative, traditional progressive, open


Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

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Tue, May. 3rd, 2005 12:32 pm

fucking hate life, now, one of those ruts, i hope this one doesn't last as long as the others. i got a dui a few weeks ago... two weeks shy of the 21st day of birth. scoring high these days. dumped kyle. regret that now. have been sick all weekend, sick in head too. new order and nin killed. sense some breakdown coming: gonna try hard to delay this one. can't keep doing this every few months, it's getting really really old. and i've lost more weight. stress and such. i don't know what the fuck i have to be stressed about; but then again, everything i suppose. YOURE THE HITLER. none of it really matters much anyway. i am jack's wasted life. that's wonderful. ..::end transmission::..

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Thu, Apr. 14th, 2005 03:27 pm
i stopped drinking. i had to go see someone about it; that was great, way to make me feel like a total loser. fuck. ANYWAY, i moved out. my mother's insane. INSANE. i'm a nut but she is fucking CRAZY. terrible. uhhhh, school's going well. only 5 years shy if graduating now. kyle comes back from georgia on monday. i'm making $12 an hour at western, this new job. my art history teacher's a cunt. kinda like my mom. have a good day.



P.S.

AM PRESENTLY LOOKING FOR AN

ADDITIONAL ROOMMATE, TWO

WOULD BE BETTER.

PREFERABLY MALE(S),

SO AS TO EVEN OUT MAN

TO WOMAN RATIO IN THE

HOUSEHOLD. RELIABLE,

STABLE JOB, DRINKING

OK. NO DRUGS. NO DOGS

CHILDREN OR OTHER

THINGS OF THAT NATURE.

THOSE OF YOU LOOKING

FROM OC TO PASADENA,

THANKS


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Mon, Mar. 14th, 2005 01:12 am
dominique's in hawaii. i'm writing this paper on western philosophy and happiness, which is actually making me quite depressed. it's due tomorrow at noon and i'm fucked.









i'm happy though. really.

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Mon, Feb. 21st, 2005 02:55 pm

best bruise ever


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Mon, Feb. 21st, 2005 02:42 pm

MY HERO. one of the remaing few writers who's work i still respected. now everyone's dead. shit.







i'm actually reall really genuinely upset about this, i've been thining about it all day.

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Wed, Feb. 16th, 2005 03:08 am

what a nice little darren date i just had


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Tue, Feb. 15th, 2005 01:58 am
aim conversataion which i did not save

darren said he likes me, a lot, i'm smart, intruiging, yada yada yada. i think he's full of shit. this SHALL be updated.

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Sun, Feb. 13th, 2005 03:16 pm

SO I'M REALLY REALLY NERVOUS NOW and i don't know why. by far: nothing more unnatractive than a drunkass girl siting alone on a sunday afternoon. except for when i do it.


ahaha, i can't even TELL YOU how many people i invited over last week
(especially when the house is being renovated which is llikethe stupidest idea ever cause there's nowhere to sit) and then got too fucking slap-happy-unable-to-walk-up-hills-drunk to talk to them. and i feel bad because john is such a nice kid and keeps putting up with my shit. the end... im going to sleep or vomit or something

Current Music: movie

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